"Hi, how are you?"
22.71
Before I start, I want to thank you for subscribing to my newsletter and for making space for me in your crowded inbox. This whole personal writing thing is pretty new to me, so I’m open to chat if you have any ideas, feedback, or thoughts on your mind! Now onto this week’s dose of overthinking:
My quarantine days, like those of many others, have consisted of a lot more FaceTime calls, Zoom hangouts, and Skype meetings (yes, my company is stuck in 2011). But as I’ve racked up call hours these past two months, all of my conversations have seemed to start the same—with a familiar “hi, how are you?” followed by a collective reassurance of how “good” everyone is. Until now, I never questioned why we greet each other this way, but it has felt particularly hollow in the COVID-19 era.
Back in March, I had a harder time answering this question, sometimes taking an extra second before responding. I would describe this pause as if I were bungee-jumping into my consciousness in search of a fitting answer, only to be snapped back by the cord with nothing but a nervous chuckle and a “great, just taking it day by day”.
As a greeting, “how are you?” feels like the only question we ask where we don’t expect a genuine answer; we just hope for a polite one. As long as we follow the script, smile, and, for the love of God, don’t inconvenience whomever we’re talking to, the exchange is harmless. But, for those who are far from “good”, “great”, or “fine” nowadays, there isn’t a socially acceptable “none of the above” bubble to fill in. This leaves someone with two options—commit a faux pas or lie to someone’s face, and whether it’s my coworker or Jordan, my fictional Trader Joe’s cashier, it’s uncomfortably obvious when someone does the latter. We’re lying to each other a lot, and we’re not even good liars.
With that, I don’t mean to over-intellectualize the words, “how are you?”. It’s not about the words, but rather the normalization of a culture where we pretend to be okay when we’re not. I just find it ironic how we are taught to greet people by asking about their well-being, while simultaneously expecting nothing but pleasantry in return, and we should recognize that.
Of course, this doesn’t mean we should start playing everyone’s therapist or spilling all of our problems to Jordan while they ring up our produce, but we can spare people the pressure to lie and welcome more genuine answers from those closest to us. One of my good friends loves to double down on her “how are you”?”—following up on any hesitant “good” with “okay, but how are you really?” (she’s called me out a few times with this one). I, alternatively, have started asking “what’s been on your mind lately?”, and while these may not solve any of our problems overnight, they may just be what some people need to hear most right now.
